Time does not stop for us

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“I’m sorry, sir, you have to take all removable metal off” ... my eyes drift down towards his ring finger.

“Oh, yes.” He removes the ring & places it in a pill bottle, while he tells me it’s where he keeps his wife’s ring, too. On chain that he wears around his neck.

What he doesn’t tell me, but I already know, is that his wife had passed, also from battling cancer, just a couple of years ago.

I stop for a second & think about what keeps people going after their spouses move on…

As the nurses roll his stretcher into the OR, I take his phone & see his beautiful wife smiling with him on his lock screen.

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Days I’m not in the covid ICU have made me think about all of the people who have had to put their life on hold because of this disease - particularly ‘non-covid’ patients.

Like the man I’ve described above, who’s been battling cancer for 15 years, suddenly back for metastasis to his spine, & in need of intervention before it completely compresses his spinal cord.

Or the young, sweet, intelligent girl in her early teens who’s spent half her life fighting a disease that has progressed to cause nearly complete blindness & hearing loss that’s worsened in the recent weeks, and the parents who were desperate to salvage what’s left of it.

While time seems to stand still for the rest of us: all forms of life, including disease progressions, do NOT get put on hold.

(& on the contrary, including births of healthy babies, that of which recently include a couple of close friends 💜)

My point is, no one really has more time they want to spare or spend on fighting this thing off. .

I talk often & passionately about masks & social distancing & how we are handling this disease.

It is not simply for the sake of rules

While this isolation has made many of us realize our appreciation for certain activities & freedoms

I worry that others continue to take things for granted; particularly: time. & life.

We do not have time to be bending rules, making mistakes, & learning the hard way.

Not when we know better.

Not when the consequences are our own illness & deaths.

We do not get anymore excuses for missteps. We are too intelligent.

Let’s be better.

4.14.38

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4.14.38

When you take care of someone close to you, who is in & out of the hospital, you know very well that you will hear & repeat their name & birthday over, and over…and over again.

As nurses we ask patients this question countless times a day for ID verification.

My grandmother’s actual birthday was celebrated in March, but when she emigrated to this country, this was the date she was given.

So when I took her for chemo, doctors visits, & the hospital, this was the date repeated, over & over.

There’s been much talk & speculation lately about dying alone, & why we fear it so much.

I guess the unknown is really what strikes the most fear in us, & the idea of someone moving on from the world we know, into the unknown, is such a scary thought for us that we don’t want our loved ones to do it alone.

Yet, this is what’s happening daily.

Nearly 800 times daily in this city alone...

Unfortunately, as social distance has emerged as the top controllable factor in overcoming the spread of this disease, families have been forbidden from seeing their loved ones who have fallen ill.

I think a lot about what my grandma would think of all this, how much fear she would have felt, and, (almost selfishly?) am relieved that she moved on before seeing & experiencing our world like this.

I will never forget the morning she moved on, the call from my mom, the feeling of shock though I should have known, the immediate question of why I ever left.

The fleeting control & panic that I couldn’t take any decisions back.

And then I think about all of these people.

Everyone we know experiencing this now. My & your fellow friends, colleagues, & their families...

Unable to hold their loved ones hands as they fight.

Given no option but a facetime or phone recording.

I may not have been there for the moment my grandmother moved on, but I got a chance to be there for the process, & this I have to remind myself.

For anyone going through this & feeling alone: ask your nurse for contact time. We are busy but will make it happen.

They need you as much as they need us.

And *please* remember: We are there. We are watching over them. They are not alone

Not even Air is Free anymore

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The one thing we all thought was free...was air…

Now, the only way to breathe safely is through a mask…

Ironic, no?

So many ironies & realizations in the past months. So many lessons for us.

Not only has my freedom been challenged in my line of work, to be safely protected.

but for ALL of us:

Now patients fight for air while the lungs drown.

Now nurses & doctors fight for it behind suffocating layers of PPE - if we have enough.

Now we all are deprived of it in social isolation.

Never again must we take for granted our freedom to breathe clean, healthy, air.

Never again must we forget to take care of ourselves and each other.

I’ve started a GoFundMe for PPE. Please consider donating or resharing.

Painting by Julia Maddalina #PortraitsoftheFrontline